The Great Equalizer

KATENAOMI

The bathroom is the last great equalizer.

Every other room in your home, every other activity in your life can somehow be manipulated by life circumstances. Your physical appearance can affect the amount of or quality of ass in the bedroom. Your kitchen can be anything from a Bunsen burner to an organic stocked, chef manned station. For just a few extra coins, life can be lived through your phone – making the act of mutually experienced human behavior a thing of the past. Let the church say Hallelujah! This past weekend, I stayed in my bed until 130pm. I came to the conclusion that my bed had become a symbolic womb. Warm and comforting, a cozy place to retreat and develop the motor skills needed to deal with life. That day I ordered Avocados, toothpaste and Kombucha tea because I have no interest in sharing the act of shopping with others. I then ordered my laundry to be picked up because the idea of laundering with others now seems archaic. When I finally emerged to make my way to brunch I ordered my Uber because…don’t even start me on hailing a cab in public. No one does anything the same as everyone else anymore. Our bodies, our finances, our scathing hatred towards human interaction; they all affect how execute every action of life. Except shit. We all shit the same. We all must go to that room, to use that very special plumbing. There are no other location options, no fancy ways of doing it, nobody you can pay anyone to do it for you. In public settings, you all go to the public bathroom. That’s why so many great celebrity sightings happen over hands being washed.  This isn’t a new revelation for me; I’ve given this a significant amount of thought. Sometimes when I can’t sleep I google questions and look in my history when I wake up to see what I was thinking. One night I googled “why is blue cheese so delicious” at 230am. I also like to make sweeping assumptions and explore ideas with my sister via text.  Recently, on a sleepless night I posed the query, “isn’t it a little mind blowing to think that something as beautiful as Idris Elba probably takes massive poops all the time”.  My sister didn’t answer me that night. Maybe I find a certain comfort in the fact that some daily behavior exists that unifies us. In a society where we separate further and further from each other it’s not a crazy thing to be comforted by. Prove me wrong. Next time you are on the subway and that woman leans her entire body on the pole meant for hands and you imagine yourself roundhouse kicking her in the face; think to yourself “you know what, I pooped this morning, you probably did too. who knows we may even use the same brand of toilet tissue…we’re in this turbulent road called life together” and see if your tension doesn’t subside just a little bit.

One Eyed Fool

Untitled drawing

Dear Beauty Marketers

Stop making models replace one of their eyes with the product. I’m not a fool, I know her eye is underneath the product. I’m not sure when or why this trend gained traction but its juvenile and inane. Its one thing for drugstore brands. I expect drugstore brands to obnoxiously assume that women in lower price points are simpleminded. However drugstore brands use celebrities, prestige brands tend to use models. For the amount of money Cover Girl is paying, trust me they’re going to get every quarter inch of Katy Perry’s face in that shot. Malgosia Bela…not so much.

There’s no excuse for exhausting such a stupid art directive for this long. Season after season, year after year “hey hey now where’d her eye go? must be behind that awesome new primer”. 10 years ago I’m sure it was fresh and fun. The model, coy and flirtatious posing with her product as a literal part of her face. I completely understand the marketing strategy, especially as package design became more and more paramount in beauty. But is this dopey shot something so essential to beauty marketing that it should last for 20 years? Salvador Dali said “The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot.”. Let a good idea die an honorable death. I don’t claim to fully understand traditional marketing, specifically in the beauty arena where more money is spent and the ROI’s are higher than any other retail industry. I have no doubt there are pie charts and research to support the cheesy eyesore (pun intended) that is the one eye product shot. However, I personally believe the buying public can handle a little innovation. I have faith. I have faith that your average American beauty consumer will not a react in revolt to attempts at brand identity. Some defining characteristic as identified in advertising that will distinguish one brand from another. Beauty is one of the few areas where everyone from the most commercial to the most elite can commit wholly to a well-crafted image. Let’s just look to Tom Ford in this instance. Tom Ford beauty campaign sells you nothing but Tom Ford. The slickness, the Helmut Newton rich bitch sexuality. The photography is polished. Its a hardcore beauty campaign but its also a platform for Tom Ford’s aesthetic. Now this isn’t to say that Tom Ford is perfect and has never had a misstep worth mentioning, I’m just saying he does everything better than everyone else. By no means am I asking the beauty world to be as perfect Tom Ford, that would be unfair. Just make an effort not to patronize us with your adolescent lip gloss winking.

The Miseducation

Amore Magazine UK

The Miseducation: What You Won’t Learn at FIT For as long as I could remember, FIT was the only college I ever enthusiastically wanted to attend. Back when all I knew about college was that because of this “college” enigma Saved by the Bell might be canceled when they leave Bayside. Add that to my […]

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Crazy Beautiful

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It started with drinks at The Tribeca Grand with my old clubbing buddy, who we’ll call Phoebe. We hadn’t seen each other in over a year and we spend the night knocking back Pinot Grigios and reminiscing about days long past of being chased by our cute club promoter/DJ/model pseudo-boyfriends down the cobblestone streets of […]

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7 Reasons To Go To Boulton and Watt

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7 Reasons to Brunch at Boulton and Watt In my constant quest to get my friends to go out on weekends to place I can walk to from home I stumbled upon the damn close to perfect Boulton and Watt. I’ve added it to my very exclusive list of places I will frequent so much […]

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The Guide to Overly Cool, Expertly Curated Boutiques That Will Ensure You Never Get Out of Debt.

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New York has no shortage of excessively cool boutiques. While we love our multi level, big name department stores, we have a special relationship with privately owned shops with personality. They all offer us something different, a unique edge. There is nothing quite like finding the store that matches you. The salesgirls, the music they […]

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Things To Do To Your Apartment For Your Mom’s First Visit To Make Her Think You’re Doing Ok

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For me and so many of my friends over the years convincing our parents that the rent we pay and the drama we go through is worth it to live in NYC. We have to hear, as if we didn’t know, how much money we are throwing away on rent, why its smarter to cook […]

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How to Eat Clean in NYC and Stop Pretending Like You Know What ‘Eating Clean’ Means.

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So you’re on a Paleo diet now? That’s adorable. While we don’t score as high on the nutrition and fitness obsession in L.A. we certainly come close. Its like as soon as we think we’re well…we’ve completed our Blueprint cleanse, we’ve stocked our fridge full of expensive shit from Whole Foods…here comes Gwyneth Paltrow to […]

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Bar/Restaurant Crush, Extra Fancy

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A sucker for cute names and increasingly a supporter of little Williamsburg bars, Extra Fancy is my crush of the week. Extra Fancy is perfectly perched on convenient corner of Metropolitan Avenue. I arrived at Extra Fancy the first time for a magazine event (biggups to L Magazine). Attendees of the event were treated to […]

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The Ainsworth. The City’s Finest Bar for Girls Who Don’t Know Jack Crap About Sports.

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It’s something we don’t like to talk about. A ritual among single women. The perusal of sports bars under the façade of grabbing a beer and a game when in actuality they’re cruising. It’s our one thing. Men may go to yoga and Adele concerts to meet women under false interests. We go to sports […]

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